Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Hillary vows to have synthetic gonads implanted if elected

Oedipus News Service

Today, in a press release, the Hillary for President campaign stated that if elected president, Hillary would have testicular implants surgically implanted, to give her the "look" and "feel" of what the big boys carry.

The HRC spokesperson, "Buddy" Clinton, said it would be a great way for the new president to appear on the world stage as packing a "huge" pair, which would dispel any talk of the Oval Office suffering emasculation from having a female as president.

"These synthetic gonads would put the first female president of the U.S. in the same league with other world leaders, who often engage in measuring contests to prove to one another who's packing the biggest pair", said Buddy.

"They have been used for years and years to improve the quality of life for neutered canines and since Hillary has been referred to more than once as the "female" variety of caninus, having this male enhancement product hanging low on what might be the next president has to be a plus", said Dr. Richard Holder, staff veterinarian for Hillary.

Neuticles, the company that first developed and marketed the prosthetic devices and has seen them successfully implanted in not only dogs, but water buffalos, said they would be delighted to design and make a custom pair specifically for Hillary.

Their spokesperson further said that they would probably avoid using silicone, which is typically used and opt to use some form of stainless steel.

"We want the first female president to have a slight, metallic clanging sound when she walks, to help let any would be terrorists think twice before taking on Hillary" said Monica Bollocks, Neuticles spokesperson.

This reporter was unable to get a comment from Bill Clinton, due to Mr. Clinton being in a meating with a female staffer.

Reporting from the campaign trail, this is Harry S. Balls in Mena, Arkansas

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