Tuesday, March 17, 2009

President Obama Declares Martial Law

My fellow Americans, to help protect you from the forces of Islamic evil and the "temporary" bank crisis, I officially announce the imposition of martial law.
To help me help you, ALL media, including the Internet, will be shut down. Only government approved media outlets, like our dear friends at FOX News, will be allowed on the air.

The Internet needs to be shut down, but this move is "temporary", until we can secure the Internet from subversive activity. This will give the DHS time to install common-sense controls on the Internet, developed by our good friends at Google, Yahoo, Microsoft, Cisco Systems and Norton to prevent those who wish to do us harm, like Muslim terrorists from using this seditious medium and those who think that the bank crisis was deliberately manufactured to steal Americans money.

To further help promote peace and security in our dear "FATHERLAND", armed troops will patrol the streets of major American cities, like the US Army troops dispatched to patrol the streets of Samson, Alabama

Again, my dear friends, this is to protect you from yourselves. Enemies of the "FATHERLAND" are lurking everywhere and these heavily armed troops will be on hand to perform summary executions on the spot to further enhance your security.
Our good friends at the ADL have been teaching law enforcement outfits to spot dangerous terrorists, like the ones with Ron Paul for President bumper stickers on their vehicles or flying "Old Glory."
These homegrown radicals will be dealt with in a most SEVERE manner.

Thus, by securing all forms of communication and putting it under government control can we return to being the "Land of the Free."

Since the Bill of Rights has been declared null and void till further notice, we are asking that any and all firearms be turned into to your local police department for "Inspection." Specially trained units of the National Guard, fresh back from the killing fields of Iraq and Afghanistan, will be sent door to door to help you with this vital task.
This is only a interim measure, designed to protect you, the citizen.

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Further, to protect them from any attacks from terrorists, both houses of Congress have been rounded up and taken to a secure, undisclosed location . Again, this is only a temporary move, designed to keep our dear friends away from harm.

Since the U.S. Supreme Court has now been sufficiently packed with right-wing ideologues that understand the need to take away our liberties so we can protect our freedom, it will remain in session, but only to deal with the cases of home grown terrorists and those who are mounting an insurrection against this great Land of Liberty.

As some of you have already noticed, various agencies of the federal government, including the FBI, the ATF, ICE and units from both the NSA and CIA, have been rounding up certain citizens, maybe even your neighbors, to put these future terrorists in preventive detention.
Furthermore, to help with the interrogation of these homegrown subversives, certain Army units from GITMO and Abu Ghraib will be on hand to help elicit vital information. Vital information that is needed to help round up more domestic terrorists.

To assist these agencies, Jewish paramilitary outfits have been receiving training on the use of grenade launchers and machine guns in the Catskill Mountains of New York and they will be a welcome addition to DHS hunter-killer teams.

Rest assured, these dissidents we are rounding up will be treated more fairly than they deserve, but hey, I'm an easy guy to get along with, just ask any of my corporate bank donors.

Fellow citizens, these are trying times. Uncertain and dangerous times. To help prevent any future terrorists actions against the FATHERLAND, I am hereby canceling the 2010 elections. Again, this is only a temporary measure, designed with your safety in mind to help promote security in this birthplace of democracy.

When we have finally prevailed in the 70 year long planned "War on Terror", elections might be held, that is, if we're not at war with another threat to peace and stability.

So, my fellow citizens, I ask your help in these trying times. With your help, we can be sure of a secure "FATHERLAND" for all.

His Excellency, Barak Obama
"Protector of the Realm"

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