Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Bank of America to check customer's dental records

Fugemgood News Service--New York

Today, Bank of America announced several new and innovative ways to fatten their bottom line, announced their president, Ken Lewis.

"We in the financial services industry are proud to announce that instead of taking in more and more of your tax dollars, courtesy of our hos and bitches in your Congress and the trillions of dollars in interest free loans we've got from our good buddies at the Federal Reserve, will now start checking our customer dental records to see if they have gold fillings," said Lewis.

"Those that do, will get an up close and personal visit from one of our CSR's--Customer Service Reps--most of whom flunked out of Dental School. But these CSR's have the talent needed to extract your gold teeth with the minimum amount of pain."
"We'll give those lucky customers some BoA script, which is good at any BoA facility in North America where they can buy coffee cups or toasters."

Another tried but true way of extracting the most out of their customers is to jack up the credit card interest rate, said the BoA president.
"We send those fools, uhh, our cherished customers five pages of legalese crap so thick and impenetrable that it would take 3 Harvard MBA's several hours to decipher that load and we at BoA know that no one can afford that kind of financial advice, so we just sink our fangs into those fools that much deeper."

"Some that do contact BoA and ask why their getting penalized for being a good customer, we just tell them.." At this point, Lewis is laughing so hard, he can't talk.. "We just tell them it's because of economic conditions," said Lewis, "Conditions which we created thru our MBS schemes and CDO toxic slop, which the taxpayers are getting billed for, while we pay ourselves hundreds of millions of dollars in bonuses," Lewis stated

At this point, Lewis had to sit down, as he was laughing so hard, he was in danger of fainting.

For Fugemgood News, I'm Herman Shepherd reporting.
One of Bank of America's friendly Customer Service Reps


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