WASHINGTON (Rooters)--From legalizing marijuana and then taxing it, to increasing death certificate fees and charging gentlemen's club patrons an extra $5 at the door, cash-strapped U.S. states and cities are rooting around for revenue in some unconventional places.
Sin seems most ripe for the taxing in a list of proposed revenue moves compiled by the National Conference of State Legislatures last month.
A copy of a proposal to tax Americans on their sex life was leaked to this reporter from a highly placed White House source. From that document, here are some key taxes the feds are looking at:
Did you engage in any sexual activity--COITUS-- this past week?
If so, how many times did you get laid?
For the men--How many blow jobs--fellatio-- did you receive?
For the women--How many times did you receive cunnilingus?
Did you fantasize about sex at home or on the job?
NOTE: Jerking Off off is taxed at the same rate as getting laid, so include all masturbation in this category.
If so, how many times?
Did you have any dreams about sex? If so, how many times? Describe in detail these dreams so we may rank them according to their value and tax accordingly.
Did you read any "girlie" magazines this past week? Which ones and how many times?
Did you watch any porno movies this past week? Which ones?
The IRS takes seriously its job of fairly enforcing our nation's low tax rates on US citizens. Those who think otherwise and have thoughts that they might be getting boinked--metaphorically speaking--by the government will not be taxed for those seditious thoughts, but they will need to contact the nearest Department of Homeland Security office or the FBI for further details. And be sure to bring an overnight bag when you visit!