Washington--President Obama today signed into law the "America's Secret Services Helping Our Liberties Endure" act, or ASSHOLE.
"This much needed piece of legislation will give us the tools we need to place an ASSHOLE on nearly every street corner, making our great country impervious to another 9/11," said the president, adding "There will be an ASSHOLE on your cell phone, an ASSHOLE monitoring your ISP and many more ASSHOLE's in our schools, work places and other public meeting places where al Qaeda types could flourish."
"We must endure a few privations, such as temporarily suspending the Bill of Rights in our never-ending struggle against those who attacked us on 9/11, but no freedom loving American will object to that small sacrifice to help us prevent al Qaeda from again striking the homeland."
DHS Head Janet Napolitano said that she would personally see that ASSHOLE's were everywhere, smothering the homeland in a blanket of security agents from which there would be no escape for those seeking to do us harm, protest against the act, or those foolish enough to rally for reinstatement of the Bill of Rights.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernake issued a press release saying that to help pay for all these ASSHOLE's, the Fed would be willing to loan the USA some more of its own money, and as long as we can only pay back interest on the money previously borrowed, then the agents of terror would never bother the homeland again.