Kansas--Democratic Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was killed today in an accident that has authorities baffled. She was found underneath a house in Oz County, Kansas, with the life squashed out of her.
Local Sheriff C. Lyon says, "It's the damnedest thing I've ever seen. Been sheriffing around here nigh on 40 years and ain't never seen anything like this."
A local girl, Dorothy, whose last name was withheld due to her age, swears she saw Hillary flying a broomstick during the tornado that struck the area, but authorities aren't putting any stock in her statements and she has been turned over for medical care.
However, a local handyman, T. Man, also backs up Dorothy's story, saying he had been looking for a place to shelter from the tornado when he had a loud cackling noise and looked up to see Mrs. Clinton flying on a broomstick, with the airborne house nearby.
Authorities have turned Mr. Man over to the local jail, where they're going to let him sleep off his drunkenness.
Mrs. Clinton was back East and was supposed to fly to the West, but had changed he flight plans at the last minute. Her staff said she needed some 'Hillie Time,' so they left her in the office and went home. Mr. Clinton was in New York, interviewing potential female interns for the White House.
Mrs. Clinton's Secret Service detail was found in a Kansas City bar, drinking and cavorting with sex workers and have been recalled to Washington.
The tornado that struck that part of Kansas registered F4 on the Fujita scale, which was a "Pretty good blow for Kansas, " said a Mr. Crow, a local farmer.