The ideal candidate will have the morals of a John Wayne Gacy and the conscience of Dick Cheney.
Our current CEO, who prefers working nights, "Drac" is retiring and moving back home to Israel. Do you have what it takes to replace him?
Our man--white, of course--will be well schooled in the "Enron" school of accounting. To help in this enterprise of keeping two sets of books, you will have access to a VERY generous off the books slush fund, which will be used to curry favor with certain DC politicians and to keep our MSM "news" anchors living the lifestyle which we are paying for.
The "Vlad the Impaler" type that we choose to be our next CEO should also not be squeamish when it comes to looting the firm, since a lot of the assets stolen will belong to elderly stockholders and pension funds.
Our man should have excellent knowledge in "pumping and dumping" stock and a VERY extensive background in selling what we call toxic sludge, but what our "news" people call Mortgage Backed Securities or MBS.
You will be in charge packaging and selling this MBS slop like it was caviar around the world, to the tune of of over 300 BILLION dollars. And in turn, you will buy back other firms MBS in excess of 500 BILLION dollars.
You MUST be extremely proficient in electronically transferring huge sums of money to a certain, "friendly" ME country. This must be done with utmost secrecy, since that "friendly" ME country is paranoid about anyone finding out where all of these trillions of dollars wind up.
You will use the company slush fund to feed disinformation to the press and DC, presenting MBS as great investments.
Once the company has acquired hundreds of billions of these worthless pieces of paper, you will then use that same slush fund to inform our media friends, ever so discreetly, that an internal audit has discovered some "irregularities," but not before placing hundreds of billions of short selling positions against our firm on various exchanges.
Once you help con millions out of their life savings and have looted the company from within, you will, thru your extensive media contacts, let the financial world know that the firm is teetering on the brink of collapse and will not survive without a massive influx of US taxpayer monies.
Being friends with the new US Treasury, Geithner and knowing Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke is a MAJOR plus! As is the ability to speak and understand Yiddish.
If you're the type that makes a clanging sound when you walk and have no ethics whatsoever, then you're the man we want.
Call our global executive officer Lou Cypher, at 1-800-666-1984 for an interview.
Wage and benefits package available for viewing to those who make it past our extensive screening process.