“An astonishing and horrible thing has been committed in the land; The prophets prophesy falsely, and the priests rule by their own power; And my people love to have it so. But what will you do in the end?” (Jeremiah 5:30-31).
“Christians don’t steal or lie, they don’t get divorced or have abortions.” – John Hagee
Praise be to G-d for the good life. That's what YOU can have if you're selected to be the next head of the John Hagee's Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas.
Just think what YOU could do with nearly $30,000.00 dollars per week, TAX FREE. Give a new meaning to the term "shop until you drop?" You Betcha!
When you're exhausted from all that time spent shopping on Rodeo Drive, you can take a break at your nearly 8,000 acre ranch outside Brackettville, Texas and play around in your five lodges, including a "main lodge" and a gun locker. It also includes a manager's house, a smokehouse, a skeet range and three barns and YOUR own private airstrip.
Almost makes one green with envy, huh?
All that bible thumping wearing you down? Then relax in the hot tub of your six-bedroom, 5,275 square-foot Classical Greek mansion in one of San Antonio's most exclusive gated communities. And don't fret about property taxes.
And don't worry about your "golden" years. We'll set up a Rabbi Trust for you just like we have for Mr. Hagee. Contributions to this "Rabbi" trust retirement package are irrevocable and is named after the first beneficiary of such a trust, a RABBI.
Or worry about being an adulterer or abandoning your kids from a past marriage or that missing 11 year gap in your biography, your faithful CC flock will overlook those teeny bits of immorality and let you tell them how to live a good, moral life!
The current Cornerestone Church CEO John Hagee, due to previous commitments, is scheduled to retire soon to fulfill a contractual agreement. Hagee will join his corporate host for an unspecified period of time and will not be able to return to his lavish lifestyle at 'Thumping Bible Ranch.'
Contacted by cell phone for comment about the impending arrival of Hagee, a Mr. Balam of Hades Inc. stated that his boss, a Mr. Lou Cypher, was more than pleased the way Mr. Hagee fulfilled his contractual agreement. Said Mr. Balam, "Yes, the boss is tickled at the way Hagee not only raised money for our cause, but was able to herd millions of folks our way. Since most of them already have their souls blackened with hate and envy, from listening to old John raise hell about heaven, they'll be easy pickings."
"The Boss was REALLY pleased at the number of Ch****ians--sorry, we can't say that word here--that were deluded into worshipping Israel and not J**** C*****--sorry, that's another forbidden word--making them prime candidates for our
Seven Circles of Perdition program."
Balam explained that the Seven Circles of Perdition is a fashionable district down here, run by none other than Jerry Falwell.
When asked about the rumor floating around about the amount of pain at the contract signing from the pinprick--required so the contract can be signed in blood--Mr. Balam laughed: "Hell, the pain is negligible, especially when one puts it into context of being able to enjoy an immense amount of money, pleasure and power over the life of the contract."
Mr. Balam continued "There are thousands of bible thumper candidates right now, who are literally beating down the gates of hell to sign on with our operation, so the cunning will get here early to impress the hiring board."
When this reporter asked Balam about the screaming noises I was hearing in the background during the call, Balam said he was watching one of their favorite soap operas called "The Dumb and the Reckless" on Hellivision.