Monday, April 8, 2013

"A Day at Auschwitz" by Nana Lipschitz




What follows is a true account of Nana Lipschitz of the horrid conditions in the German slave labor camp known as Auschwitz. This story has been vetted by several holocau$t survivors, including the revered Elie Weasel and the honorable Herman Rosenblat.

Nana was an inmate at five German slave labor camps, but the conditions at Auschwitz were particularly grueling to her body and mind.

Chapter One

0700--There goes that damn alarm bell, ringing in my ears again! Don't those putzes know that I already have ringing in my head, due to all that Schnapps I consumed last night with some of those handsome German soldiers! That blond hair and those piercing blue eyes, combined with all that Schnapps, well, even the most chaste girl would forget herself and drop her bloomers! That Hanz, such a schlong on that fellow! And it's CLEAN, not at all like those dirty things I saw back in my hometown of Crackhead, Poland. Sweet G-d, don't let this war be over too early!!!!

This hangover is killing me, maybe I can talk that sweet Dr. Mengele into giving me another pass on work today.

Work! Those bastards expect us chosen ones to actually perform physical labor. G-d has surely abandoned us, if we have been degraded into performing those menial tasks reserved for our cattle, those dumb-ass GOYIM.

One day, when this war is over, the world will know about this monstrosity where Jews actually had to do manual work. We will scream to the heavens, "Never Again." Never again will us chosen do physical labor, that is for the GOY, Jews will do what Jews like to do; Open and run banks, get into politics, become college professors and lawyers, any profession where we don't do labor that pays handsomely!

Oh well, better not ask Dr. Mengele again, he might think I'm a shirker and then he'd choose me to work on my back, in the camp brothel. Not that I would mind that if only those cute German soldiers would visit, but most of the 'johns' are fellow Jews, who have an aversion to soap and cleanliness, Ughhh!

0800--Guess I should of ate more breakfast, but my hangover is damping my appetite. Now it's off to the factory where we help synthesize rubber, and this time of year, it's as hot as a furnace in that damned place. Bastards, after the war, we'll get even, no matter what we have to do. The world will find out that there is a terrible price to pay when you make G-d's chosen ones do work.

1200-1400--Lunch, then recreation time. This is one of my favorite times of day, because after lunch, we usually engage in some kind of sport, which the camp commandment insists that all inmates play, something about keeping our bodies in shape, which in turn helps to keep our minds keen. "Sports will set you free" is what we always hear, but what sets me free is having that dear, sweet Hanz hump me. And the way he noshes on my secret spot, Oy Gevalt, makes me feel like I'm in heaven!


1400-1700--Back to work. Work, work, work and all I get is bupkes. These schmucks will get what's coming to them after the war for forcing us G-d's chosen to work! I must of said that 6 million times, but we will "Never Forget!"

Feh, all that cigarette smoke from the other yentes in this factory makes this place seem like a gas chamber.

1700--Ahh, finally, I'm away from that damned place and can now indulge myself! So many activities to chose from, let's see, do I want to go swimming? Or maybe go to the orchestra? Perhaps a play put on by my fellow Jews might be a good way to unwind? Or see a movie?

Must not forget to drop that letter to Uncle Morrie off at the Auschwitz post office!

Uh-oh, I see that sweet Hanz heading my way and that bulge in his pants tells me he's glad to see me. He's not one to schmooze, not my Hanz! He'll want to find a quiet spot, have a few drinks, then start humping like a couple of cats in heat!
Oy Vey, I should control myself tonight, but I can't, not when he touches me! Hanz's massive manhood will give me the final solution to my woes!!!!

I just hope this war lasts long enough that Hanz boinks me six million times!!!

Nana is currently living in Miami Beach, Florida on holocau$t survivor payments from Germany, Poland, Switzerland, Austria, Bulgaria, France, Italy, Norway, the Netherlands, Sweden, Belgium, Latvia, Russia, Lithuania, Romania, Slovakia, Macedonia, various European banks and companies, and money from Israel and the USA.


3 comments:

  1. Is this the Nana that had the intestinal fortitude to pass a diamond ring and drop it in that open-air wooden box with approx. a dozen round holes on top?

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yes, Nana was very good at passing many things out of both ends and all that emitted was smelly.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry, forgot to tell you, this was one funny read.
    MachtNichts

    ReplyDelete

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