Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Surgeon General Warns that "Watching CNN or FOX Can Damage Your Brain"

Washington--Today, the US Surgeon General, Vice Admiral Vivek Hallegere Murthy issued a press release stating that "Watching TV cable news outlets like CNN or FOX can cause long-term brain damage."

Murthy's statement said that his office had contracted with a well-know research university to perform testing on lab rats who were exposed to watching a screen that ran either CNN or FOX news channels anywhere from two to six hours a day. There were three groups in all, one that was exposed to CNN, one to FOX and the third group was wasn't exposed to any TV, news or otherwise. All three groups had the same food and water, the same size cages and the same type of play and exercise equipment.

"We were amazed at how far the rats being exposed to CNN and FOX degraded in only two weeks. Those rats started becoming lethargic and ate way too much food, even losing interest in sex, which is unusual for young rats, while the rats in the control cage, without any cable news exposure, acted normally, playing with each other or with the toys and experienced no weight gain."

"By the end of the month, the results were shocking. The rats in the CNN and FOX cages did nothing but lay around, eat food and gain weight. Even when the screen was turned off, the rats lay there, staring at the screen, as if expecting it to turn on. Some had become so fat, they didn't bother to get up to defecate, they'd just lay there in their own waste. We had planned to run the test for six weeks, but stopped after one month, due to the large amount of weight they had gained and their complete listlessness. We figured that to force them to watch anymore CNN or FOX would be a form of animal cruelty, especially when comparing them with the control rats, who were still playing, being 'frisky' and eating normally without any weight gain."

"The shocking results of that experiment made us issue this health bulletin to all Americans, asking them to stay away from watching either CNN or FOX, since it is now proven to cause irreparable brain damage. And if any family exposed their children to those channels, they could be cited for child abuse."

When asked if another group of rats that had been listening to Rush Limbaugh tried to commit some type of suicide, the Surgeon General declined to answer.


  1. I remember years ago Dr. Oz did a test on identical twins who watched the Kardashians addictively. They were smart girls with a silly addiction and he concluded after watching one show their IQ level plunged a few notches.... Fox may pander a lot of political idiocy but when it comes to general brain fluff, there is an awful lot of competition out there....

  2. Give me the "Andy Griffith Show" anytime over the vapid K-clan. They're a type of mental VD.

  3. I agree, Greg. What ever happened to good, clean, and fun entertainment like the Honeymooners? Womans' groups today claim Ralph Cramden was abusive although Alice had the last laugh. And when he did abuse her with his loud mouth or typical dumb guy silliness, he always asked forgiveness and ended with "Babe, You're the Greatest" giving her a sweet kiss from his heart.

  4. Good, clean fun is VERBOTEN. Their has to be some nudity, sex scenes and depravity of one kind or another.


  5. I used to LOVE Green Acres and Andy Griffith, which I can still watch on Netflix or Amazon. And stuff like that. But commercial TV...I don't understand how anyone can watch it anymore! I figure something is wrong with them to begin with if they do. Unless we're talking about kids, I don't know what kids do anymore! My kids were 90's kids and there was actually some cool things on TV. But neither they nor I watch commercial TV anymore, we all just like movies.

  6. Even the bloody commercials!

    Why does anyone need to know about K-Y?

    Bloody hell.

  7. OMG Vincent Nunes! Thank you for saying it. I am SO TIRED of advertisements for things that... and things for "feminine itch"! Good Lord! We buy these products when we need them, don't need them advertised. But K-Y.... bodily orifices... parasitic types with fixations... Dr. Freud.... look to source....

    Gotta smudge EVERYTHING up with reminders of bodily emissions.... Keep us on that animal level....


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